Why are people so judgemental about not breastfeeding?

I am a nurse and 7 weeks ago had my first child. I really wanted to breast feed and managed this for the first 6 weeks, however my baby was getting extremelly stressed as my milk dried up 5 mins into each feed. This meant that she was feeding every 10 mintutes and obviously we both got stressed and VERY tired. I now have her on formula and she is so much happier. I KNOW breast milk is best for baby but formula is a damn close second and people come on here for honest advice about the most important thing in their life and people seem to feel the need to belittle them and make them feel like they are abusing their children by not breastfeeding. New first timemothers are extremelly prone to depression and feelings of inadequacy as it is without people telling them they are wrong. Why come on here to insult people, it affects peoples lives.


Sorry to rant and maybe some people dont realise they are doing it but some do and seem to take pleasure in hurting people.

Why are people so judgemental about not breastfeeding?
Congratulations on your new baby!





I agree 100%. I actually just answered a question this morning about a breastfeeding mother who was being so rude about woman who "choose" to bottle feed or don't try "hard" enough to breast feed.





These woman are just what you said--judgmental. They do not know that they woman who bottle feeds her 6mo son was in Iraq shortly after she had him. They do not know if there was stress for the mother and/or baby. They don't know anything.





Keep your head held high--I know it's hard but they are just hurtful people. Not to say all breast feeders are like that--but the ones who are I'm sure actually 100% positive that they are that way in all aspects of their life. They think what they do is right and there's no going around it.





While we all know the fact: breast is best but it's also important for people to be understanding. Best of luck!
Reply:Hi


I am quite sure that you would have breastfed your baby if you could. It seems that NHS staff have gotten instructions to insist on b.feeding and they do it vigorously.


I had tough time also - not enough milk baby losing weight etc. Then I added formula to her meals and everything was fine. I know you are looking for guidance from professionals but what I dont get is how easy they forget how it was for those among them who had babies and what a struggle those first weeks are. People are judgemental because they are ignorant or they think you are selfish.


Our aim is to make sure our babies eat and sleep well and we have to try and ignore some stuff that goes on around us.


good luck
Reply:I totally agree with you. When I had my first daughter I said I would breast feed but because during labour I have 2 injections of Pethidine my daughter was very drowsy for a good few hours afterwards, she showed no interest in feeding. In the end I even had the nursing staff rubbing my nipples to try and get her to latch on, it made me feel like giving up straight away, I felt like a animal not a human being. In the end I really shouted in the ward and everyone left me alone. When my daughter was hungry I breast fed without problem. I only breast fed for 6 months due to having medical problems and my medication was passing through my milk so I changed to the bottle. I find it hard to believe that breast is best because loads of babies are fed from a bottle straight away and they are fine. It's nice to read from you and hear that other people share my opinion, I think when a answer is insulting then more people should hit the abuse key. I type on this sight to share my knowledge and try to help others.
Reply:Don't let other peoples ignorant opinions get you down. No one an an anonymous board like this can truly understand the complexities of your situation. You have to do what you feel is best.





Also perhaps you can try expressing your milk and keep it for feeding time.
Reply:I have no clue why people are so mean. I'm gonna speak up for those of us who don't even try to breastfeed because we get the worst criticism. You have to do what's best for your child....and sometimes that's keeping the mommy healthy too. My daughter benefited more from me staying on my medicines than she would have from the breast milk. And you shouldn't judge someone for not breastfeeding because you don't know what health problems they might have or other complications that might interfere with breastfeeding. Personally I have a chronic disorder that requires daily medication as well as the occasional heavy pain medication. I did without both during my pregnancy but I couldn't do without for any longer. And you're a very good mommy I think because you didn't try to force something that was wrong for the both of you. You said your daughter wasn't into breastfeeding anymore than you were. If it upsets you both then perhaps it's just not your way. And to further support my it won't kill you to not breastfeed theory my daughter is now an amazingly bright toddler with nothing more than the standard daycare colds.
Reply:It's each to there own, I would never judge anybody for the method of feeding their child. Some people are happier on the breast some on the bottle. Sometimes people like yourself end up without a choice, like you say formula milk is a very close second and if your baby is happy then why on earth should you feel guilty. If you are stressed your baby can sense it. Good luck with your baby, They are absolutely gorgeous at that age.
Reply:I am totally for breastfeeding. That's the way I was raised. I breastfed my first until she was 5 months. I wish I could have longer but she didnt want it. With my second I hope to until she is a little older. I think breast is best but hey it doesnt always work. I give you credit for trying thought. It is very tough. But breastfeeding moms get just as much greif from people. I think everyone should stop judging each other and let the mother deciede what is best for them and their baby. As long as the baby is healthy and eating it's not a big deal, personal preferance that's all.
Reply:I have to admit that I think it is just selfish not to breastfeed IF you can do it. You did your best, and even to breastfeed for only the first few days gives the baby's immune system such a boost - six weeks is an excellent start for a baby, and you should feel proud that you gave her that, not disappointed in yourself for not doing it for longer. I applaud you. There are a lot of people, such as myself, who feel really strongly about breastfeeding, but I would imagine there are not many of those that would condemn a woman for doing her best, then not being able to continue - that is a totally different issue from those who just arbitrarily decide that they're not going to do it, for whatever reason. I heard one woman say "ugh, it's no unnatural, and my husband doesn't like the idea of someone else touching my boobs"!!! We're MAMMALS for God's sake, the definition of mammal is one who gives birth to live young and suckles them!
Reply:There is a whole lot of negativity for those who DO breastfeed as well, whichever one you choose you will find criticism. I dont think there are many people on here who berate others for not breastfeeding, most just try to share their own knowledge.


I personally dont think formula is a damn close second... it's just the ONLY second there is. It's apparently gotten better in the past few years, but it is still a far cry from breastmilk (so all the studies say).


Since you're a nurse I'm surprised you werent able to find the help you needed to continue, as apparently it is the rare woman who cant breastfeed with the right help. I almost gave up several times at the beginning too, it can be hard to nurse a baby! I think that's more what some dont like is the fact that people take the 'easy' way out now with formula.


The fact that your daughter is happy and thriving is really what matters, so congratulations.
Reply:I think they are too quick to judge without knowing the facts. Facts are without enough mummy's milk a baby will starve to death, a miserable way to die!


Do what your think best for you and your baby, and BLUNTLY if you must, ask people if they would rather have YOUR or any baby die a slow miserable death due to starvation!


And you can tell them Dr. James told you to tell them that (Not an MD, but I do have Dr. in front of my name, you don't have to add that bit, now do you? We will keep that part between just you and me... it is a secret, now don't tell!!!)


--CJ "That Cheeky Lad!"
Reply:THANK YOU! You've just said everything i've been thinking! I wasn't able to breast feed either of my children and all you ever get shoved down your throat is how important breasrfeeding is. I have two very happy, very healthy little boys (2 and 10 months) who were and are both formular fed. We should not be penalised because of something we CANNOT do!! Thank you xxx
Reply:As a nurse you know that breast is best, but as a women you also know what is best for your baby. If your baby is not thriving then you need to feed the baby. I don't think other mothers should critize each other. We need to do what is best for our babies. Good luck wiht your little one.
Reply:My friend was in exactly the same situation. She tried to breast feed and really couldn't . She had the same problem of milk drying up and she was becoming red sore and infected from it and yet got judged when she put her children on forumla. Suffering post natal depression as well as this just made her feel like a useless mother when in fact she's a fantastic mother. If people want to judge and criticise then maybe they should ask the situation behind the decision to formula feed there is usually an extremely good explanation. Of course mothers want the best for the baby and just because you can't breastfeed doesn't mean you aren''t a good mother at all. The fact you tried is of great merit. The love and affection you give to your baby is commendable. Feeding every 10 minutes for 6 weeks shows a real commitment as a mother.
Reply:At least you tried. I didn't! Everyone likes to criticise women, that's all. The person who tells you your're selfish for not breastfeeding will be the same one to complain if you whipped your breasts out in public. Ignore all of it and do whatever is best for you.
Reply:Human beings are generally judgmental about anything that doesn't fit their view of what is "ideal". Don't let them get to you...some of them have their own issues. If your baby is happy and you're happy, that's what counts! When you are a new mother, everyone else think they're experts....LOL! Happy parenting!
Reply:It seems you've been through a personal experience, but I am sure blame does not concern moms, like yourself, who have tried before deciding formula would be better.


My sister in law for instance decided not to breast feed her baby for the purpose of an easier life, going out whenever she wants without having to breastfeed, or even take the baby along, being able to go to the beauty saloon every week, etc. And these are the type of persons that sometimes people are judgmental about, the moms who prioritize their own comfort before the health of their babies, unlike yourself.


Good luck with the baby my dear.
Reply:I've never had the oportunity to become a mother, so maybe my opinion doesn't really matter, but as long your baby is getting proper nutrition and she is healthy and happy it shouldn't matter what other people think.
Reply:People like to judge, it's human nature, and it makes them feel better about themselves. Breastfeeding vs. bottlefeeding, working vs. SAHM, daycare vs. relatives, tv vs. no tv, lessons vs. non-structured, etc. etc. etc.


I've done some things I said I'd never do; sometimes out of necessity (I am a bona-fide, certified low-producer regarding milk, so she gets only about 14oz of breastmilk a day, plus formula), and sometimes out of convenience (my husband watches tv with the baby, which drives me crazy, BUT if he's watching her, I can do other things, so I let them do what he wants). Other ideas I've been able to stick to: I said I would never put my baby in day care (it's my personal choice), so I found a job where my baby comes with me.


Nobody is the perfect mother, and people do need to realize that there are TWO people involved, baby AND mother. It's *hard* to raise a baby well, or else EVERYONE would be able to do it. I think people realize that, realize they've made "mistakes" (or what they consider to be mistakes) and console themselves with the ideas of "Well, at least I breastfeed" or "Well, I'd NEVER put my baby in daycare" or "I can't BELIEVE she lets her 2 year old watch an hour of cartoons every day".


Breastfeeding is the hot issue right now (remember the daycare debate in the 80s and early 90s?), and, quite honestly, I think there's a lot of propaganda that makes parents feel like if they breastfeed, they get extra bonus parenting points AND the power to lord over other non-breastfeeding parents who *obviously* (sarcasm) don't care enough about their babies to make the tiny (yet, from the way they talk about it, you'd think they deserve sanctification) sacrifice they made.


Do what's right for you, your baby, and your family. That's all that matters.
Reply:it really upset me my baby was ill when born to weak to stimulate the milk to come in it came in 7 days after she was born try to feed her but sh couldn't do it she was quite small 5lb so i had to bottle feed she needed food to get ride of infection and people made me feel bad but i think do whats best for you happy mummy happy baby lots of love
Reply:First off, you gave it a good go! Be proud... your child received a lot of great nutritional and health value from those first six weeks! Good job mom!





Secondly, next time someone belittles you for not breastfeeding offer for them to take over. You don't owe them a reason or an excuse or anything. How we choose to feed our babies is our choice. As long as you are happy with that choice... so be it.





However, your email gives me the impression (and I might be wrong)... that you are being hard on yourself for giving up the whole breastfeeding ritual. We start off this adventure of breastfeeding thinking it's going to be easy. Our friends are doing, our sisters did it... why can't we!?!





Ya wanna know why we can't? Because it's just not in our cards. I am the opposite of you, I had TONS of breast milk. I breastfed my first son for 3 months and it drove me insane. I was leaking everywhere, I was so tired and he was always so hungry. It just never seemed to stop. After 3 months I called it quits. I knew that emotionally and physcially I just couldn't take it anymore. My second son came along... he was very ill at birth and wasn't fed for the first two weeks. I easily could have pumped and stored and then breast fed later... but I choose not to. I was perfectly happy NOT breastfeeding. I just didn't want to do it to myself again.





So come to terms with it for yourself. Six weeks is six weeks more than he would have had. And if you choose not to breastfeed at all. So be it. It's your baby, your body and you choose. What is good for everyone else, isn't always good for you. So stop feeling guilty... tell everyone to mind their own business (or take over breastfeeding where you left off)... and move on.





As a new mom formula feeding.. here is a hint... POWDER ONLY. That liquid formula smells... it stains everything and the results in the diaper are a horror show. Powdered formula is easier to work with, easier to make up bottles on the go, no refrigeration of unopened cans, the smell is better, the puke is better, no stains and the resulting diaper has better results.





Many blessings for the new baby :)
Reply:Take no notice. Do what is right for you and your baby, no one else. Having a baby is tough enough without fear of judgement. Western countries sell baby formula to third world countries to make a profit and then criticize Westerners for not being "natural"! Pure double standard!! These are precious short months with your bundle, don't waste them on other people's opinions. The fact you managed to breastfeed at all is wonderful. Some women aren't that lucky. Be proud you are a loving, caring mother who wants the best for your child. ALL that matters is your baby is fed well. A bottle is fine.
Reply:You shouldn't feel you owe others an explaination for not breastfeeding. Its rude to just insert opinions on others when they are not asked for. However, next time someone brings it up, just say.. that its a personal decision and leave it at that. If they start going on about the joys of breastfeeding, just tell them you're a nurse and maybe they'll shut up. People shouldnt get judgemental over personal issues because they never know whats the reason to begin with.
Reply:i agree. Some people find it very hard and tiring to breast feed, or like you there milk dried up very quickly. when i had my exs child i was forced to breast fed as he refused to have bottles in the house. She was feeding every two hours and he would mone about that. But he eventually gave in as after medical advice as my milk had dried up and me getting extremly ill he allowed bottles into the house. After that we eventually went our seperate ways. When i had my second baby with my now partner he was very supportive and said if i want to breast feed then it was my decision and he would support that but would like to do topup feeds through the night if necessary. He also said he would be more than supportive if i chose not to breast feed. i chose not to due to previous problem after we had seeked medical advice but the thought of even breastfeeding after what happened the first time sacred me and still scares me to this day as forcing people do do something is not right. Some people i have noticed are feeling forced into breast feeding now as h/v and midwifes are making them feel inadequate about not. i suggest that you inform people about your experiance with breast feeding and tell them it is not to scare them off but to fully inform them about what can happen. i have shared my experiances with breast and bottle feeding with other people and they have thanked me as some midwifes are not telling people that your milk can dry up earlier than expected. i know i was not informed and if i havd been then maybe i would hav been able to do something about it. dont feel to bad about it. Thank ypu for ranting on as i thought i was the only person that does on some topic on here.
Reply:DO NOT WORRY ABOUT WHAT OTHER PEOPLE THINK,YOU DID YOUR BEST FOR YOUR CHILD.AT LEAST YOU TRYED TO BREAST FEED,A LOT OF PEOPLE DONT EVEN TRY IT.THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH POWDERED MILK ,WHY DO YOU THINK THEY INVENTED IT,JUST FOR NEW MUMS LIKE YOURSELF.
Reply:My son was born with a kidney problem which had to be fixed surgically when he was only a few days old. In order to monitor the function of his kidney I had to spend the forst 4 weeks of his life expressing breast milk and feeding him very specific amounts. The long term result of this was that my breastmilk supply dropped. He's now being fed as much breast milk as I can supply, which isn't much at all, and topped up with formula.


The amount of criticism I have taken for feeding him formula is ridiculous. I've had to change health visitor as she was very unsupportive. I have also been approached by a complete stranger in Tesco when buying formula and told that I should be breastfeeding and there was no reason at all for me to be buying formula.


Unfortunately I was very rude to the woman as I didn't think I should have to stand in the middle of the supermarket and explain my baby's and my own medical situations !


Yes, in an ideal world I would be feeding my baby 100% breastmillk, but it's not an ideal world and we're all just doing the best we can.


I hope everything works out well for you and your daughter. I'm sure she'll grow up to be as happy and healthy as the breast-fed babies !